


nothing

by drqco



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Songfic, based on 3x23, by julien baker, i guess, something
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-12 09:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11158944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drqco/pseuds/drqco
Summary: should've said something.





	nothing

**Author's Note:**

> something by julien baker. 
> 
> song breaks my heart everytime i listen to it. i suggest you listen to her! she's bloody incredible! 
> 
> i'm thinking of making this a series? all works based on julien baker's album, 'sprained ankle'. i don't know yet. it would pretty angsty though. it would also be this format. let me know in the comments? 
> 
> //also i'm so tired and i got a lil gig thing tomorrow so yeah//

_i know you left hours ago_  
_i still haven't moved yet_  
_i knew you were gone months ago_  
_but i can't think of anyone else_

he always finds himself back, back to where barry left. the world would disappear, inch by inch, fading into a dark void. he sits there, waiting and waiting. he sits with his legs crossed on the hood of the abandoned, rusting mercedes. he thinks too much, thinks of the what ifs and the almosts. it's sad, isn't it? 

out of all team flash, he's the only one who comes back. he doesn't go to star labs often anymore. only when he's needed or they get a lead on barry. every part of him tells him to leave, to move on. he's scared. scared that once he moves on, barry will come back. he's addicted, addicted to his smell, his touch, his mouth. christ, he needs him.

the lab is too quiet, echoes too loud and room too empty. he still hasn't cleared his desk. barry used to keep a succulent in one of the drawers, occasionally bringing a pot to plant it in. he's pretty it's slowly dying. he plays music on his phone just to fill the emptiness. it doesn't help. he calls barry sometimes, just listening to the sound of his voice through voicemail. he's stuck in a cycle, he just wants out. 

_i should have said something, something, something_  
_but i couldn't find something to say_  
_so i just said nothing, nothing, nothing_  
_sat and watched you drive away_

night after night, his mind drags itself to that day. the day when barry made his sacrifice to save the world. it's never fair. he remembers endless nights of meaningless words and meaningless kisses and touches and everything. together for a few hours and gone in the next two seconds. always leaving a sock or piece of gum in the corner of his bedroom. 

one night, barry stayed. they slept peacefully, for once. when he woke, barry was gone like before. 

gradually, they became closer. bringing each other coffee or giving the other a smile. he remembers when they used to share notes. the notes used to be work related, like, 'singh needs you' or 'can you file those cases for me? thanks'. now, they've become 'talk less, smile more' or 'i really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, like you'. something that meant more. 

he regrets things that night. barry hugged iris hard, whispering that she was the best friend anyone could have. then he hugged everyone else. he half expected a weak handshake, considering they were 'professional' (he argues that). to his surprise, barry embraces him. hugs him like that night, where he was curled up against his chest and his soft breathing was against his neck. a moment of bliss. when he hugs back, he mumbles something in barry's shoulder that he can't remember. they pull apart. he's ready. he's accepted it. 

but barry kisses him. 

they've kissed before, late at night when they're both drunk. just looking for a quickie. but this was different. he feels electricity running through his veins and adrenaline in his bones. he feels something. so much emotion was put in that kiss, he stopped feeling after barry pulled away. barry takes his hand and he whispers, "thank you so much, jules." he's stunned, feet drilled to the ground. "and i love you, i guess." he gives the signature barry half chuckle. he's speechless. that's what he regrets. 

"barry," the speedforce calls out. he looks over his shoulder and drops julian's hand. he gives him a sad smile and walks away. soon, he's gone. the lightning stops and everything is silent for a moment. he looks longingly, expecting to see barry come back. 

he doesn't. 

_and i just let the parking lot swallow me up_  
_choking your tires, and kicking up dust_  
_asking aloud why you're leaving_  
_but the pavement won't answer me_

he hears everyone cry around him. but everything his blurry and his hearing is fuzzy. he walks backwards, hands flying up to his head and hair. "no, no," he whispers. he runs off, no one chases him. he ends up in an empty parking garage. he steps over piles and piles of rubble. he doesn't feel anything, how can he? 

he feels stupid, so stupid. he feels stupid for not saying anything, he said nothing, he regrets it too much. he kicks the pieces of rock, throws them across the garage. 

he feels the parking garage swallowing him whole, he doesn't mind. he doesn't care. he sinks to the ground, he sits, hands frantically weaving their way in his blonde hair. he feels tears make their way down his face. he cries. he screams, they make echoes in the empty garage. "why, why, christ, why? not you too," he repeats and repeats, needing an answer. 

he never gets one.


End file.
